You've come a long way, baby...

Anyone watching TV this season knows it's the year of the woman. Let me amend that, the year of the young, thin, troubled woman. With the exception of those “Desperate Housewives,” who are the requisite bag-of-bones but not so young, and the positively ancient Madame President, Geena Davis (whose real name is Virginia; I know this because in one of the 37 jobs I’ve had was assigned to find this out). Quibbles aside, it’s heartening to see more female-centered drama on the tube. It’s as if the TV execs suddenly discovered what I’ve known all along—women watch more TV than men—and they’re finally giving us something to watch. As long as you don’t take it too seriously. TV is a fantasy land, populated by people who do not resemble real folks in any way. I’ve tuned in to a few of the female-friendly shows and this is what I’ve learned:

• All female district attorneys are crusading. They also wear Giorgio Armani power suits, size 2 of course, and pricey Manolo Blahniks—on an ADAs salary. They win every case, unless William Shatner is the defense attorney and he charms them into kicking off their Manolos for a quickie in the courthouse copier room.
• All Medical Examiners are female and have the (unrequited) hots for the gruff but hunky police detective/FBI investigator she constantly butts heads with. “Crossing Jordan,” and the new “Bones” are prime examples of this. Plus, all MEs become intimately involved in the investigation which includes going into the field, being shot at, pushed off a building, strangled, and flipped off and/or insulted by the perp. With little damage to their Giorgio Armani suit and Manolos, of course.
• All housewives are desperate. All suburban mothers are whippet-thin and have horrible secrets that could destroy their marriage, friendships, careers or all three if it got out. This is only partly true. We’re not all thin, except for that group that lives over there on Anorexia Lane, but we all have secrets. Mine is so awful it could destroy SOCIETY if it were revealed; well, okay, you beat it out of me—I can’t bake! I burn brownies and char cookies. My children are scarred for life! (My other secret is I can’t cook—my motto: when the smoke alarm goes off, it’s done!)
• All female FBI agents had or are having an affair with their boss, a co-worker, the brother of a co-worker, the sister of a co-worker… Well, that last one’s not true, yet; I’m sure there will come a time when the female agent will be gay (or more likely bi. That’ll ahook the male audience taking a break from sports for a quick look-see at “Without a Trace”). These FBI lesbians will of course be gorgeous size 2s who dress in designer duds and Manolos.
• All female FBI agents come from troubled backgrounds. Daddy didn’t love them, Daddy abused them, Momma was dirt po’ and on and on. It’s interesting these “troubled” babes look ab-fab and work in high-caliber jobs that require some smarts and a boatload of edumacation when in reality the abused, po’, unloved lady would most likely be battling an eating disorder and nicotine addiction while juggling her six kids from five different fathers and her three jobs at the Safeway, Lou’s Diner, and weekends at Dunkin’ Donuts. I’m just saying…
• And finally, all Ghost Whisperers or Buffy-clones never crack a smile (with the exception of P. Arquette’s “Medium” but more about the ten reasons I love “Medium” in another post). It all began with “X-Files” Agent Scully, who only smiled once in the 27 years she was on the show, being chased by slug-monsters and such. And that was when she had gas from the slug-monster she accidentally ingested. Those women have a mission to accomplish—to expose paranormal fraud, kill Vampires, or help the dead find their graves so they’ll get the hell out of my bathroom. This is no time to smile. But it is time to look fabulous, in their Giorgio Armani suits and Manolos.

Janet - No power in 'verse can stop me...